im six kinds of drunk right now
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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