Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
