i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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