i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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