I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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