so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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