seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
