i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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