Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
