i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
