You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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