He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
