I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
It's official drugs can't kill me
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
