bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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