Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
