WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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