You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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