Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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