she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You have to summon your inner elephant
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
