I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
