I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
