Your dad touched me again.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
