Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
