I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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