i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
