During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I skipped work to stalk him.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
When are your genitals available?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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