just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
