tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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