Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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