Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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