I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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