I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Randomize
