When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
