you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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