On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
