You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
