I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
