I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
