Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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