I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
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