What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
only you would photoshop your dick
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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