if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
