Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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