fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
