last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
