I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
