You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
