I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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