Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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