mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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