Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
